What'd you do that for? You mistake him for a rabbit?
-What do you want me to do? -Sort it out.
-l'm not a witch doctor. -But you are a bad boy yardie...
...and bad boy yardies should know how to get rid of bodies.
l create the bodies, l don't erase the bodies.
We're in, governor.
Goody gumdrops.
Get us a cup of tea, would you, Errol?
Grab hold of his legs.
What do you think l'm gonna grab him by, his ears?
Hope this is not a bad moment.
Do you know who l am?
l do.
Good. That will save me some time, then.
Well, l don't.
You're always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece.
Apparently, the best thing to do...
...is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together.
Would someone mind telling me, who are you?
When you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them.
lt's no good leaving it in the freezer for your mum to discover.
Then l hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs.
You gotta starve the pigs for a few days...
...then the chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead.
You gotta shave the heads of your victims and pull the teeth out...
...for the piggies' digestion.
You could do this afterwards, of course...
...but you don't want to sieve through pigshit, do you?
They will go through bone like butter.
You need at least 16 pigs to finish the job in one sitting...
...so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm.
They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds...
...in about eight minutes.
That means that a single pig...
...can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh...
...every minute.
Hence the expression...
...''as greedy as a pig.''
Well, thank you for that. That's a great weight off me mind.
Now, if you wouldn't mind telling me who the fuck you are...
...apart from someone who feeds people to pigs, of course.
Do you know what ''nemesis'' means?
''A righteous infliction of retribution...
...manifested by an appropriate agent.''
Personified, in this case, by a horrible cunt:
Me.
Gentlemen....
Why can't you find me Franky, Doug?
Avi, what do you want me to do? l'm not a bounty hunter.
What about Tony?
Bullet-Tooth Tony.
Who's Bullet-Tooth--
-Tony! -You silly fuck.
He's a liability.
He'd find Moses and the burning bush.
You are gonna die, Tony!
He got shot six times, had the bullets moulded into gold.
l shoot you, you go down!
He has two in his teeth that Dad did, so he loves Dad.
Why don't you fucking die?
-He's the best chance you got. -Six times?
ln one sitting.
You're in trouble now.
Sounds promising. What are we waiting for?
Bonjour.
What's so fucking important?
Why do you think we've got a dead man...
-...missing an arm in our office? -Talk to me, tell me.
You give us four days...
...l'll get you a stone the size of a fucking home. l kid you not.
What do you think, Errol?
l think we should drip-dry them, while we got the chance.
lt was a rhetorical question, Errol.
What have l told you about thinking?
-You got 48 hours. -Yeah.
You can keep that silly, fat wanker. The lads can't lift him.
Forty-eight hours.
After that it's your family...
...and the pigs finish what the dogs don't do.
So, what should l call you? Should l call you ''Bullet''? ''Tooth''?
Call me ''Susan'' if it makes you happy.
Tony, there is a man l'd like you to find.
That depends on all the elements in the equation. How many are there?
Forty thousand.
Where was he last seen?
At a bookies.
Bookies?
Pass us the blower, Susi.
-Bookies got blagged last night. -Blagged? Speak English.
This country spawned the language, and nobody seems to speak it.
Blagged, robbed.
We'll see a man that may know something.
l need a gun.
You don't, Rosebud, me old son. You need me.
l got fucking black ink all over fuck boy.
He's stained for fucking life.
That and the golden teeth as well. Fucking hell--
All right, Mullet?
How you doing? You all right, mate?
Nice tie.
l heard you weren't about that much.
Still warm, the blood that courses through my veins.
Unlike yours, Mullet.
Who blagged Brick Top's bookies?
-Do me a favour, Tone. -l will do you a favour, Mullet.
l'll not bash the fuck out of you in front of all your girlfriends.
Gonna make it worth my while, mate? Jesus, you know how it is, man.
Comfortable, Mullet?
lt's sadly ironic it's that tie that's got you into this pickle.
Now, you take all the time you want, mate.
What the fuck you doing, Tone?
Driving down the street with your head in my window.
-What you think l'm doing? -Well, don't, Tone.
You been using dog shit for toothpaste?
Slow down, Tone.
Slow down, Tony!
l don't think so. l think l'll speed up.
Play some music if you like.
l love this track.
l want to know who blagged Brick Top's bookies.
Yes, Mullet?
l think it's two black guys that work from a pawn shop in Smith Street.
Better not be telling me porky pies.
l tell you, it's two black guys work out of a pawnshop on Smith Street.
lt's very effective, Tony.
lt's not too subtle, but effective.
Are we taking him with us?
It's the Russian.
A Russian?
To be technical he's an Uzbekistanian.
Uzbekistanian? l've been dealing with those sneaky Russian dogs.
-Give me a name. -Yurinov.
Boris.
-Boris The Blade? -Yeah.
As in Boris The Bullet-Dodger?
Why do they call him The Bullet-Dodger?
Because he dodges bullets, Avi.
He won't fight unless we buy his mum a caravan...
...and you nicked all our savings.
ln the quiet words of the Virgin Mary, come again?
He's a stubborn bastard. He said he's got to look after his mum.
-Are you taking the piss? -What can I do?
l can't make him do it, can l?
You're not much good to me alive are you, Turkish?
He's a useless shite, that boy. Punish him for me, Errol.
l want that pikey to fight.
Brick Top thought smashing up our arcade...
...might help me to persuade Mickey to fight.
And if that wasn't enough...
...he thought it would be a good idea...
...to burn Mickey's mum's caravan.
While she was asleep in it.
Turkish, get your arse up.
You lot...
...follow me and l'll fucking shoot you.
Calm down, son. Behave yourself.
l've got the gun, son. l think it's you who should behave.
What?
You want to see if l've got the minerals?
Jesus.
Sorry, Mickey.
Did you do it?
Then what are you sorry for?
-What are you two doing here? -Come back!
-You got some tars on you. -Fuck off, Darren.
Fuck off!
How silly do I feel?
His mum is still smoking next to us...
...and I'm asking him to fight.
l'll do the fight before he causes any more carnage.
And ifhe'd said no...
...it could've been a shite sight worse.
Russians.
l should've known.
Anti-Semite, slippery Cossack sluts.
What do you know about this goyim?
Ex-KGB cancer.
He was a highly trained undercover agent.
He'll be impossible to track down.
Yeah.
There's a strange man who wants to sell us an 84-carat stone.
-Where's he from? -I don't know. Hard to tell.
He's got a thick Russian accent.
Well, what was l supposed to do? He set the dogs on me. Look.
That sneaky fucking Russian! No wonder he didn't want to do it.
First things first. One of us...
...Tyrone, you go to the Russian's. The second you see him, call us.
Now.
He's a right handful, this fella, so watch out.
l hate Russians. l'll take care of him.
All yours, Rosebud, old son.
Not a problem.
Get me to a doctor.
Shoot that fuck! Then, get me to a doctor.
Okay, but first we get the stone.
First the stone. Then a doctor.
And not just any doctor, boychik. A nice Jewish doctor.
Find my friend a nice Jewish doctor!
Get his keys and find out where the stone is.
-l think you got something to tell us. -Take it easy, Rosebud.
Do you want him to be able to talk or not?
What the fuck do you mean, replicas?
They look the shit, don't they? And nobody is gonna argue.
l've got extra loud blanks, just in case.
ln case we have to deafen them to death?
-Yeah. -Boris is here.
-We're coming over. Hold him there. -Hold on!
He's not on his own!
We're off.
Very industrious for a Cossack.
Sneaky fucking Russian.
So, where is he?
lt's not just he. Three fellas went in the house.
-They locked Boris in the car. -Why didn't you tell us that?
Did they look hard?
They looked messy.
-Let's get out of here. -What about the Russian?
l want you to bury him.
All right.
l think we should get you a new gun.
But this time, try it.
How far to the Russian's?
Be there in a minute.
-Come on, then. -No, no, not so fast, Vinny.
We can't take them now. We're gonna have to follow them.
You shouldn't drink that stuff, anyway.
Why? What's wrong with it?
-lt's not in sync with evolution. -Shut up.
How do we get rid of him?
-Do you want to shoot him? -lt's a little noisy.
-Do you want to stab him? -That's a little cold-blooded.
-Do you want to kill him or not? -l'll cut him. l got a blade.
That's the spirit.
Do they fire?
Of course they fire.
But how do you know? They're replicas.
What do you know about replicas?
What the fuck are you doing, Solomon?
You wanted to know whether they worked.
l didn't mean try it in the car, Sol, you arsehole!
What are you gonna do with that, pick his teeth?
Wipe the butter off and put it away. There's a proper blade back there.
Cows have only been domesticated in the last 8000 years.
Before, they were running around mad as lorries.
The human digestive system hasn't got used to any dairy products yet.
Well, fuck me, Tommy. What have you been reading?
Let me do you a favour.
Whoops.
You. Want a knife?
No, not me. l wouldn't know what to do.
lt's a knife, for God's sake.
What's kept your fork company all these years?
The sharp side, the blunt side. What do you want, a lesson?
ls that Boris?
Oh, Tyrone, what have you done?
What about Rosebud?
Well, you can bring him with you if you like.
But which bit would you like?
They're getting out.
Get down and follow them.
Cover yourself up, Avi.
You're making a scene.
l'm sorry for causing a scene, Tony.
Whoa, you are not taking that dog with you, Vince.
l can't leave him in here, can l?
Pint of the black stuff, landlord.
l thought you wanted to get cleaned up. Bathroom's back there.
-He's left the door open. -Shouldn't think that's a good idea.
Should we go in?
l don't want to go in there. He's a dangerous bastard.
Taken too many disco biscuits in the heat of Russian disputations.
He's got as many of these nuts as he has those nuts.
l don't care if he's got fucking hazelnuts.
l want a gun that works, and l'm gonna tell him.
My God, Tommy, you certainly got those minerals.
Well, come on, then before ''zee'' Germans get here.
You just tell him who's in charge.
Boris--
You certainly told him.
The Drowning Trout.
Come and pick us up.
And Doug...
...sharpish.
l don't want a fuss or to put a bullet in your face...
...but unless you give me what l want there will be fucking murders.
What's your name?
Shoot him.
Let go of the gun!
So, you're obviously the big dick...
...and that, on either side of you, are your balls.
There are two types of balls:
There are big brave balls, and there are little faggot balls.
These are your last words so make them a prayer.
Dicks have drive and clarity of vision...
...but they're not clever.
They smell pussy and they want a piece of the action.
And you thought you smelled some good old pussy...
...and have brought your two little faggot balls along...
...for a good old time. But you've got your parties muddled up.
There's no pussy here...
...just a dose that'll make you wish you were born a woman.
Like a prick...
...you're having second thoughts.
You're shrinking.
And your two little balls are shrinking with you.
The fact that you've got ''Replica'' written on the side of your gun...
...and the fact that l've got ''Desert Eagle .50''...
...written on the side of mine...
...should precipitate...
...your balls into shrinking, along with your presence.
Now...
...fuck off.
Lock the door.
Lock it!
Give me the case.
Fuck you.
Shoot me.
l will. l'll shoot you.
Pass me case or l shoot you.
You know what?
Fuck you too.
Go ahead and shoot me. You'd be doing me a favour, you Russian fuck.
You! Drop guns.
Fuck you!
You drop your gun!
Okay.
Avi...
...pull your socks up!
-Tyrone? -Fuck it. We're out of here.
Give me case.
Avi...
-...where's the case? -Put the gun away.
What's Boris doing here?
Boris, what are you doing here?
Fuck you!
Where's the case?
-You piece of crap. -Don't take the piss, Boris.
l'll show you.
Fuck you!
Almost had it.
For fuck's sake.
Fuck you and all.
You lucky bastard.
Jeez, it's flawless.
Don't get attached to it. lt's going to Brick Top.
Leave the dog here.
-Sol, why don't we just leave? -Because life's too short, Vincent...
...and it'll get a lot shorter if Brick Top wishes.
-Now leave that dog here. -l'm gonna leave the dog here.
Don't worry about it!
And if that pikey mutt does any damage, you're gonna pay.
lt's okay.
Sit down. Down.
l don't want to go in there. You'll never see me again.
Well, we won't if you don't.
All right, you give me the stone...
...and l will give it to Brick Top. Yeah?
All right. Give me a minute. lt's a bit fiddly.
Why is it down there?
Well, l put it down there in case we got mugged.
You ain't from this planet, are you?
Who is gonna mug two black fellas holding pistols...
...sat in a car that's worth less than your shirt?
Bullet-Tooth Tony and his friend, Desert Eagle .50.
What have they got to do with anything?
They're both staring straight at me.
You should never underestimate the predictability of stupidity.
Now, out of the car.
And leave your water pistols behind.
Look, just tell him the stone's back at the office.
l'll think of something.
Why's he sweating?
Oh, never mind.
Tommy, why is your skin leaking?
-l'm a little worried, actually. -Worried about what?
What happens if the gypsy knocks the other man out?
l mean, he's done it before, hasn't he?
We get murdered before we leave the building, and we get fed to the pigs.
l'm glad to see you're climbing the walls in fucking anxiety.
Pardon my cynicism, but l don't exactly trust the pikey.
Don't think l haven't thunk about that one.
lt's his mum's funeral tonight. God bless her.
You know those gypsies like a drink at a wake.
l'm not worried about whether Mickey knocks the other man out.
l'm worried about whether he makes it to the fourth round.
What ifhe doesn't make it to the fourth round?
We get murdered before leaving the building...
...and l imagine we get fed to the pigs.
So why are you so calm?
-l said-- -l heard what you said, Tommy!
lt's not as though we've got a choice, now, is it?
You show me how to control a wild fucking gypsy...
...and l'll show you how to control an unhinged, pig-feeding gangster.
Bollocks! l'm going for a walk.
Oh, that fucking dog!
Go on, get the dog.
-lt's a bit funky in here, isn't it? -Open a window.
You people live like animals.
Now, where's the stone?
-Come on, where is it? -lt's over here.
-Where? Where? -l left it in a box.
lt's empty.
l'm getting heartburn. Tony, do something terrible.
No, l'm being serious!
The dog. The dog must have had it.
Now then, let's have a look, shall we? Tony.
-What? -Look in the dog.
-You mean, ''look in the dog''? -l mean, open him up.
lt's not a tin of baked beans. What do you mean, open him up?
You know what l mean.
That's a bit strong.
l don't know about this.
No, you can't do this.
lt's fucking squeaking!
You never heard a dog squeak before? Give me that goddamn gun!
l'm shooting the dog!
Shoot the fucking dog!
You sneaky fucking bastard.
Thank God for that.
l hate fucking dogs! Come on, Tony.
Tony, come on!
Tony?
-Anything to declare? -Yeah. Don't go to England.
That dog is gonna go back to the campsite. lt always does.
How's the dog gonna find the campsite?
Have you smelled the campsite, Sol?
All right. But we have to wait until it gets light.
And we have to get rid of these bodies.
That one with the tea cosy on his head's starting to stink.
Right. Let's stick them in the car, and then go and look for a pig farm.
Mickey.
Mickey!
You feeling all right, Mickey?
Need a drink.
You can't give him a drink!
lt's not for him. lt's for me.
Ah, mates. Amen.
He's a hard bastard, this Good Night Anderson, so pay attention.
All right, Mickey?
Mickey!
Need to have a shite!
lf you see the pikey, Turkish or his girlfriend come out before me...
...shoot the bastards.
Well, come on. We got a fight to go to.
All right, Tom.
-Hope we get a better show this time. -This will make up for it.
Mickey's going down in the fourth.
Terry over there is in charge of the bets.
Now, you have to forgive me.
l'll forgive you if he goes down this time.
-Our lads at the campsite? -They're over there now.
l fucking hate pikeys.
-How long have we gotta stay here? -As long as it takes. Now, shut up.
Fucking hate pikeys.
ls he fucking stoned?
He's like that before a fight.
Do you know when you're going down?
Of course he knows when he's going down.
Fuck-face, who's speaking to you? He asked him, didn't he?
Fuck-face? l like that one, Errol.
l'll remember that next time l climb off your mum.
-Not now. -Gonna be a tragedy of a fight.
Be a nice one. Hell of a way to be a war.
And there none a yours.
There's a camp full of pikeys that might not think you're so funny.
Not when they're putting out flames on their children's backs.
Now get up and have a fucking fight.
Three rounds and you're a vegetable, aren't you, pikey!
l'm in charge here. No fucking about, no eye-gouging.
Do your worst. Let's get it on!
What the fuck's going on? You gonna finish him or what?
Talk about saved by the bell.
Do you understand the consequences of knocking that man out?
Do not knock him out, Mickey.
All right, let's break it up.
What, is he fucking deaf?
What is he doing?
Come on and sit.
What the fuck are you doing, Mickey?
You're dancing like a fairy.
They'll hang us if they think it's rigged.
Get out there and hurt him.
But for fuck's sake, do not knock him out.
All he's got to do is stay down.
Now, we are fucked.
He can't stand up.
We're out of here.
Stupid pikey knows Brick Top's got keen-to-kill monkeys with shotguns...
...sitting outside his campsite.
Once the campsite's wiped out, I know it's gonna be the same for us.
Ever cross the road and look the wrong way?
Give me that fucking shooter!
And, hey, presto, there's a car nearly on you.
So, what do you do?
Something very silly.
You freeze. And your life doesn't flash before you...
...because you're too scared to think.
Youjust freeze and pull a stupid face.
But the pikey didn't. Why?
Because he had plans on running the car over.
It had previously occurred to me...
...that he'd taken the demise ofhis mother rather lightly.
For every action, there is a reaction.
And a pikey reaction...
...is quite a fucking thing.
Pete, talk to me.
lf you want your friend to hear you, talk a lot louder than that.
-Give me that fucking shooter. -l'll give you your shooter, you cunt.
That is when I thought the pikey had money riding on himself.
That's why the bastard never goes down when he's supposed to.
We've been tucked up...
...while he's been cleaning up.
We're worse offnow than when we started.
The next day we went to the campsite...
...but the gypsies had disappeared during the night.
Which was probably a good thing...
...considering they'djust buried 12 people somewhere in the area.
Where is he?
He ain't fucking here, that's for sure.
We can't ask a man to fight for us if we can't find him, can we?
You won't find a pikey that doesn't want to be found.
He could be in a campsite in Kampu-fucking-chea by now.
Bollocks! Come on.
-What you doing here? -What's it got to do with you?
So, what you doing here?
l'm taking the dog for a walk. What's the problem?
What's in the car?
Seats and a steering wheel.
What do you know about gypsies?
l know they're not to be trusted.
All right, get your dog. On your way.
Get the dog, Tommy.
The dog.
All right, boy. Come on. Come on, Daisy. No, Daisy!
He loves that dog.
Always playing silly games.
Stop messing about and get it in the car. Tommy!
Good boy. Good boy. Good boy, Daisy, good boy.
Could you tell me...
...why you got a dead man with an arm missing in your boot?
Hey, George...
...is that a tea cosy on his head?
Oh, you love a dog, don't you, Tommy?
Tommy persuaded me to keep the dog.
I eventually agreed, as long as he took it to a vet.
I couldn't stand that squeaking anymore.
The vet found halfan undigested shoe, a squeaky toy...
...and an 84-carat diamond lodged in its stomach.
It's quite amazing what can happen in a week.
Still didn't shut it up, though.
So, what do you do?
You go see the man that knows about these sort of things.
So, what do you think?
Do you know anyone who'd be interested?
l might.
Subtitles by Herman.W. Indio@home.nl